Matthew Knowles (that’s Beyonce’s dad, for those keeping score) has just released a two-disc set called Kids Rap Radio, hoping to offer grade-school-suitable bowdlerizations of popular hip-hop anthems. The only problem is that the source material tends to be on the explicit side. Two of the originals were “Wait (The Whisper Song)” and “Laffy Taffy“. The latter has nothing to do with confectionery, while the former is explicit enough to make Bob Guccione blush.

Not to get nostalgic, but there was a day where children’s entertainment didn’t involve settling for an ode to vapid consumerism as a substitute for a pornographic ode to raunchy coitus.

We suppose that this:

“Hey, how you doing everybody, let me whisper in your ear / Tell you about these kicks that I like to wear … Wait till you see my kicks.”

… Is still a touch better than the original, whose chorus includes this charming bit of poetry:

“Ay, [expletive deleted]! wait til you see my [expletive deleted]
Imma [expletive deleted].”

But really, though it’s preferable to grooming a toddler misogynist, we’re not convinced that instilling sneaker-lust in kids who outgrow their shoes in four months is necessarily the greatest of ideas. And then, of course, there’s the question of the (sacred) parental obligation to promote good taste in music. Jerry Yeti notes that this two-disc set won’t do much on the latter count: “why do 18-and-unders hate melody so much,” he asks.

But fear not, grup parents: Heavily-censored D4L songs aren’t the only pretenders to the Kidz Bop crown. Our lovely plus-one’s coworker just had twins; we got the proud parents a copy of the (totally awesome) Rockabye Baby: Lullaby Renditions of Radiohead.